pets jokes

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER [flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

Why did the dog go to the hospital? He was feeling ruff.

Your fancy frankenstein cross-breed vanity dog can't breathe you obnoxious cock

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn't want to hurt people from Florida?

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner's life. I'm still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Safety Tip: Always have a loaded water gun ready to go in case of a home invasion by a cat burglar.

How do you know your dog's cancer is really bad? If the vet says it's mutt-astasized.

Why did the cat sleep under the car ? Because she wanted to wake up oily !

What do you feed a disappearing cat? Evaporated milk

What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your truck back, you get your house back, you get your girl back, and you get your dog back.

Where do you find a dog that has no legs? Right where you left them.

[dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!

My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.

Last night, I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach... At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning...

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? She lay awake all night wondering if there was a Dog.

Had to put my dog down today... I just didn't expect him to be so heavy!

How is cat food sold ? Usually purr can !

[vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I'm a mean cat

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ? 'Here Kitty kitty kitty' !

I've been watching so much porn lately that... I spit on my hot-dog before I put it on my bun...

Went to my friend's house for a night of drinking... ...crashed on the couch. I was awoken in the middle of the night by my friend blowing chunks. Chunks is the family dog

Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.