observational jokes

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."

[me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.

A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth? I hear it was pretty dope.

Strangers on a Train

You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool!

TIL Condoms have serial numbers.. ..but I've never rolled one down far enough to find out..

A dyslexic guy walks into a bar... And the woman says, "Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?!"

Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.

Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical? Because m'cavity.

here's my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you're welcome