dialogue jokes

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."

CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

"I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."

"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"

"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""

"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."