health jokes

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

Doctor: “To the morgue.”

Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."

A doctor decided to use the skin left over from circumcisions to start a new business selling briefcases. One day, a man comes up to him and asks why his briefcases cost twice as much as the store down the street. The doctor replies: “Because when you rub them, they turn into suitcases!”

A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

[Creation] God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place! Angel: Maybe they'll evolve? G: *throws a rock* A: Sick shot! G: Next time, apes

I wanted to start my vegan diet but apparently cannibalism is frowned upon.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer". I said "But baby, I can change". She said "There you go again!"

(pretend he's alive for this joke) Michael Jackson can find the hospital easily He always nose where to go

Maybe we got it wrong and God just wanted to play doctor for a day: 'Here Moses, take these two tablets and call me in the morning'

A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint. The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.

Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

A Doctor and patient Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine".

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. She thinks to herself, 'Some asshole's got my pen.'

A man walks into the doctor's office wearing nothing but cellophane (saran-wrap). Dr. says, "Clearly I can see your nuts!"

Good cop: we found her body in the river Cop who doesn't want people knowing he can't swim: I was sick that day otherwise I'd have found it

My wife always takes up two parking spaces. She ought to go on a diet.

Doctor, doctor... I have a cold and feel like I'm about to explode... ...well sit down and blow your nose up!

So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions.. she walks in and says "How do I get to 280?" A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons... I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."