cynical jokes

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

"I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."

"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""

When it leaves you and never comes back.

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, “I can see you’re nuts”.

Bob rings the doorbell at his friend Mark’s house. Mark’s wife, Michelle, opens the door, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Bob says, “If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?” Shocked, Michelle refuses. “What about $1,000?” Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves. She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he’s left. “He did say he was going to stop by,” says Mark. “By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?”

Two ladies were riding their bikes down an unfamiliar road. “I’ve never come this way before,” says the first. The second replies, “Must be the cobblestones”.

TIL Condoms have serial numbers.. ..but I've never rolled one down far enough to find out..

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

I went to a weiner emporium today... I never sausage a sight!

The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out? "Time to try the udder one."

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

When the punchline is in the title. What's the worst kind of joke?

What do you call a semiaquatic, furry little animal than never amounted to anything in it's life? An *otter* failure (I'll see myself out)

My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."

I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.

How do Gay Men get divorced? Both sides get nothing.

If you feel unsure about a new haircut, ask a man if it looks okay. But ask him many, many, many times. Never be satisfied with his answer.