marriage jokes

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

Wife: “I want another baby.”

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"

Bob rings the doorbell at his friend Mark’s house. Mark’s wife, Michelle, opens the door, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Bob says, “If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?” Shocked, Michelle refuses. “What about $1,000?” Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves. She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he’s left. “He did say he was going to stop by,” says Mark. “By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?”

Johnny was sitting in math class one day when his teacher called on him to answer a question. She asked, “If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you fired a gun at one of them, how many would be left?” “None,” Johnny replied, “because the others would all fly away”. “The answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like your way of thinking”. “Now I have a question for you,” said Johnny. “Three women are sitting in an ice cream parlor. One is looking at her ice cream, one is biting hers, and the third is licking it. Which one is married?” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the third one”. “It’s the one wearing the wedding ring,” Johnny replies, “but I like your way of thinking!”

A couple is down on their luck, so the husband volunteers to work the street corner for some extra cash. The next night, he comes home with $100.50, and his wife asks, “Which cheap person gave you 50 cents?” The husband replies, “All of them did!”

My neighbour thinks it’s fine to sunbathe nude in the garden. Her husband disagrees. Personally, I’m still on the fence.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said, “Yes, the others were all eights and nines”.

One day, a woman decides to spice things up with her husband, so she goes out and buys crotchless underwear. Her husband comes home and she tells him to “come and get some of this”. The husband walks in, but immediately recoils in shock. “Hell no! It bit a hole in your underwear!”

My wife asked me if I’d like to spoon in bed. I said that I prefer to fork.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth? I hear it was pretty dope.

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. "That won't help you, Joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot," says the man, "it's the only way I can see the numbers!"

Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila! ... go to the home improvement store in December? Fajitas!

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said "If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila