none jokes

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

"I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."

"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""

When it leaves you and never comes back.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”