none jokes

How does a bald man touch his hair? He cuts holes in his pockets.

What goes deep and is full of seamen? A submarine.

What do a rocket and toilet paper have in common? They’re both headed for Uranus.

I’m a bad lover. I once caught a Peeping Tom booing me! (Rodney Dangerfield)

Today, I snapped my g-string. I’m going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.

Strangers on a Train

You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool!

TIL Condoms have serial numbers.. ..but I've never rolled one down far enough to find out..

A dyslexic guy walks into a bar... And the woman says, "Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?!"

Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.

Why did the French chef kill himself Because he lost the huile d'olive.

Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical? Because m'cavity.

I don't like nosey peppers they get Jalapeno buisness

I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called "Don't Speak"? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind.

How are children like slinkies? It's fun to toss them down stairs.

"Make cave drawing. It last longer." - Cavewoman bitch

I hope my search for my lost heroin... isn't in vein.

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today... I told them its the last thing I need.

Apple made a bomb It was called the iED