family jokes

If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son "in front of the world." Stand your ground, kid. There's no way he has that technology.

The movie "Noah" comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.

I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas & all she said was "a race war" (??)

Closing time, son "Huh?" You don't have to go home but you can't stay here "But I live here Dad" *Dad stares at me* Don't forget your Xbox

Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? - A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.

Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Just became a father last week! My son is a tea fanatic, can you guess his favorite kind? Tit-tea

So there's an innuendo competition on in town next weekend..... I was thinking of entering my sister.

What does the daddy gun have when he becomes a father? A bb gun.

I want to give you guys my best dad joke... ...but I'm afraid you won't give it back.

"I'd like one personal pizza please" Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother. "Whoa maybe not that personal"

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

Your mom... ...is so fat she always follows her gut.

What does your hot mom where under her skirt? A Freudian slip.

Why did the plumber cry? His family died.

Really racist joke "They say that black is the absence of light, but really it's the absence of a father."

what the cell say to its sister cell when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don't even want it in my garbage.

I've seen this joke here before, so I changed it and I think it's better. A Jewish boy asks his dad for $50... And his dad gives it to him!!! Ha ha!

What did justin beiber say to his mom? I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers

My husband asked me to act like a "naughty school girl" for him so I forged a note from my mother saying I don't have to participate.

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together. Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

Whats the difference between your mom and your dad? Your dad didnt cry when I fucked him in the ass.