"The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in." ~my mother after a few drinks
family jokes
9,174 total · showing the first 120 · page 4 of 5
"Oh man, that thing looks irritated" - me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
What did the teen say when she found out she was pregnant? "My mom is gonna kill me!" What did the fetus say when the teen found out she was pregnant? " My mom is gonna kill me!"
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line. Me: That's because I haven't had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
How hard is it to find cigarettes? Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.
Are we dangerous? "Yes" replied mother earth.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
If you're French when you're outside and Dutch in the hallway, what are you when you're in the bathroom? [X-Post r/dadjokes] European. My dad said this one earlier today.
Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?" Wife (crying): Yes! Husband: Who? Wife: You! Husband Dies.
The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar:P
Teacher draws a penis on the blackboard. "Does any one know what that is?" "Yes," says Tommy. "My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."
Necessity is the mother of Cessity. Also Shaquanda.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg? Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you've had enough to eat. Date your grandma
George Washington's underage brother got into taverns by using the dollar as a fake ID.
My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card He's a man after my own heart.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!
My great grandpa died in the holocaust. He fell off his gaurd post.
After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
My brother and I share the same birthday. We aren't twins, our parents are just fucking cheap.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Step On A Crack and Break Your Mother's Back... Smoke some crack and break your mother's heart.
A dead-beat Dad is on AskReddit... He opens a thread asking "Will my father ever love me?" He hides the child comments.