A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"
food jokes
6,027 total · showing the first 120 · page 1 of 5
The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.
Who can beat any burger at golf? Any LINKS sausage!
I wanted to start my vegan diet but apparently cannibalism is frowned upon.
My wife's returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
That's it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You'll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
John's mother in-law comes for a visit. So, how long will you stay,mom? As long as i'm welcomed. Oh, that's too bad, you should at least stay for a cup of coffee
'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?' 'Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'
Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I'll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you're talking about or are they from the internet?
What does an Apple Watch do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.
What does a paint brush eat for dinner? Bristoles!
I'm a responsible adult Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine
"Vini Vidi Venti" --I came, I saw, I ordered the large coffee at Starbucks.
A knock on Tim Cook's Door Knock, Knock. Who's There? IRS. IRS Who? Tax Audit You Idiot
Starbucks puts the fee in coffee
"I'd like one personal pizza please" Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother. "Whoa maybe not that personal"
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they'll blame the host's cooking. Lol.
Pizza is like sex. When its good, its reeallly good, but when its bad... It's still pretty damn good.
My wife always takes up two parking spaces. She ought to go on a diet.
'Mum' yelled Johnny from the kitchen 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?' 'Yes dear what about it ?' 'Well your worries are over.'
two flies, eating dinner So two flies are eating a piece of shit. The first fly farts. The second fly looks over, disgusted, and says "ummm...excuse me...I'm eating here...".
So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions.. she walks in and says "How do I get to 280?" A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"