gender jokes

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"

Wife: “I want another baby.”

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, “I can see you’re nuts”.

A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it. The bartender says, “Where did you find that?” “There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies. The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!” All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky. Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!” The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

Bob rings the doorbell at his friend Mark’s house. Mark’s wife, Michelle, opens the door, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Bob says, “If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?” Shocked, Michelle refuses. “What about $1,000?” Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves. She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he’s left. “He did say he was going to stop by,” says Mark. “By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?”

A man walks into a laundromat and goes up to the guy working behind the counter. He takes the items out of his bag and says: “I need to have these clothes cleaned”. The guy doesn't hear him and says, “Come again?” The man shakes his head and says, “Mustard this time!”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

A couple is down on their luck, so the husband volunteers to work the street corner for some extra cash. The next night, he comes home with $100.50, and his wife asks, “Which cheap person gave you 50 cents?” The husband replies, “All of them did!”

My neighbour thinks it’s fine to sunbathe nude in the garden. Her husband disagrees. Personally, I’m still on the fence.

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to an old man, who looks pretty sad. He asks him what’s wrong. The old man replies: “See this pub? I crafted these bricks in my own kiln, laid the foundations and built the whole thing myself! But do they call me Alan the Bricklayer? No!” He points out of the window. “See that fence? I chopped down the trees, hammered the nails and put the whole thing together. But do they call me Alan the Fence Builder? No!” Then he says, “See that beer you’re drinking? I brewed it myself, using my own special recipe that has been handed down through my family for generations. But do they call me Alan the Beer Brewer? No!” He slammed his fist on the bar and sighed. “But you make love to a sheep one time...”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said, “Yes, the others were all eights and nines”.

One day, a woman decides to spice things up with her husband, so she goes out and buys crotchless underwear. Her husband comes home and she tells him to “come and get some of this”. The husband walks in, but immediately recoils in shock. “Hell no! It bit a hole in your underwear!”