health jokes

Did you hear about the guy who landed in the hospital after shoving 8 plastic toy horses in his butt? His condition is stable.

Turns out I got Lazik surgery by mistake so now I have two lazy eyes.

If the wife uses dual sim phone, save both numbers under one name : "Wife" Never save them as "Wife1" and "Wife2" ~ A husband from hospital

What did the nurse who knocked on the pregnant lady's door say? Womb Service!

I wonder What happens when doctor's wife eats an apple a day?

Patient: "How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what?" Doctor: "Nine..."

[diet journal] day 1: hungry day 2: hungry day 3: hungry day 4: ate neighbor

[couples therapy] HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart ME: *covering my Yoda doll's ears* Hear you he can, Karen

The doctor gave me 4 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Coldplay is doing charity work in an African hospital. They met a few jaundice patients. Chris Martin said 'It was great. They were all yellow'

Young lady to father "Daddy when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor " "Dentist" "Why father ?" "We have only one heart but 32 teeth!"

[Doctor office] -How are you feeling? -Not good. -Any side effects from the medication? *cries tears of fire* -Now that you mention it...

What do you call a sick russian? A sicka blyat

My family made a pact that I'm the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I'll slow them down. That's my workout motivation.

How are women like snow? They seem really cool at first but then you're sick of them after a couple days and no one wants to be driving when they're on the road

I had an appointment to get my gender reassignment surgery... ...but the doctor left me hangin'

John Cena wakes up in the hospital He has no idea what is going on. A nurse walks into his room and he asks, "Where am I?" She responded, "ICU." He said,"No you don't."

If laughter is the best medicine, Jimmy Fallon doesn't need health insurance.

What did the doctor say to the rude patient who was reluctant to get stitches from him? "Fine, suture yourself."

How do you know it was not U.S. that did the aerial bombing? Because the funeral, wedding and hospital were not the targets.

What's the difference between Joan Crawford and an abortion doctor ? When Joan used a coat-hanger on Cheryl, she was already out of the womb.

Whenever fat people tell you they are on a diet, it just means they started dabbing their pizza with a napkin to get some of the grease off.

Before taking viagra, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. Riiight.

Why did the John leave the Brothel? He was sick of the hormones! (whore-moans)