holidays jokes

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

A girl asks her mother for a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll for Christmas. “But Barbie comes with Ken,” her mother said. “No,” the girl replied, “she just fakes it with Ken”.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Who wants to dress up as a battery and make Halloween come early this year? I'll be Halloween.

People who decorate their cars for Christmas are in serious need of help.

I'm so poor that for Christmas my mom cut a hole in my pants so I would have something to play with.

I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.

Would you like something from my Easter basket? "Sure!" "Here. Have some plastic grass."

I didn't send Christmas cards this year, what with the economy and all. Mostly I'm just lazy, but blaming the economy is so much more fun.

So I shot my first turkey for thanksgiving today... It scared the hell out of the people in the frozen foods section though.

I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas & all she said was "a race war" (??)

What did David Bowie want for Christmas? Carrie Fisher.

I can't believe it's Christmas eve eve eve and they're making me work.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song? 'Oh comb all ye faithful'

I'm not sure if putting Christmas lights up would offend my Jewish neighbours. So just to be sure, i'll hang a massive swastika in my window too.

I've received so many Christmas cards from people I don't know this year, probably because they weren't addressed to me.

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

Q: What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween? A: Dead.

A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs... Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

Enthusiasm 365 days until Christmas and people already have their trees up.

December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.

What did the black kid get for Christmas? My bike

What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas? AIDS