new year jokes

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

I'm setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing my wife.

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

Me on New Year's Day: 2016 is so going to be my year! (Morgan Freeman narration): 2016 would not, in fact, be anyone's year.

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year's "no murder" resolution.

According to my laptop, my New Year's resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang So I shot him..

My resolution? To eat like a normal person, as opposed to my old habit of hate-fucking my mouth with a fork.

Today I asked the gamer what his new year's resolution is. He said "1920 x 1200"

What's your new year's resolution? Mine is 1440 * 900.

Happy new year everyone! Sorry, I'm a premature congratulator.

My new years resolution is going well, lost 10 pounds! but that was down the back of my sofa....

I've kept my New Year's resolutions. 1680x1050 and 1280x800.

Finally came up with my new years resolution. I'm going to stop procrastinating!

My New Year's resolution is to stop eating so much candy, so I can focus more on cookies.

When hoes say, new year new me... they really mean new guys, new dick.

New Years Resolution My New Years Resolution is to try 100 brand new things. How many chemicals are crack? Lets get this done in one sitting.

I reply to "Happy New Year" with "not if I have anything to do with it."

My new years resolution is 3840 X 2160 because I recently bought a 4K monitor.

Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

What is every gamers New Years Resolution? 3840x2160

"Wow, I haven't showered since last year!" "Haha good one, but it's not the new year yet" "I know..."

my New Years resolution is to stop making stupid New Years resolutions. I failed.

My New Years resolution. Always HD 1080p I don't know why everyone keeps asking.