money jokes

A couple is down on their luck, so the husband volunteers to work the street corner for some extra cash. The next night, he comes home with $100.50, and his wife asks, “Which cheap person gave you 50 cents?” The husband replies, “All of them did!”

What do you call a budget circumcision? A rip-off.

Musicians with no advertising budget can simply name their band Missing Cat.

Chuck Norris once broke wind so hard... it couldn't be fixed.

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up? Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY AND MY MONEY ON.. mmy mind.? but thats on my money, my money cant b on it, [concertgoers start whispering nervously]

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer". I said "But baby, I can change". She said "There you go again!"

I had to fire my driver today So now I have all this money, and nothing to chauffeur it.

If I were a fashion designer I wouldn't spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor's clothing

I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets. They charged me for laundering money.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? One you pay $500 an hour to screw you. The other one has sex for money.

Sorry I broke your arm when your reached for that last slice of pizza. -Flirting is hard.

Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

Facebook is like an Emotion Bank People deposit their feelings to save, but usually gain very little interest.

Usually when I try to be slick and say "keep the change," the money I've handed over doesn't cover what I'm trying to purchase

What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds? Government bonds mature over time and earn money

you're mama so fat... she broke her leg and gravy poured out.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money... I'm sorry, but I've moved on, and maybe it's time that you do too.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don't try anything stupid." *Tries to put a fork in a light socket* "Hey! What did I just say"!?

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

The Mob Hey, guess who has both thumbs and owes money to mafia. *Gestures towards self with thumbs* *Puts on a serious face* No one has both thumbs and owes money to the mafia.

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? One they're just like the rest of us except they're good with money.

If I got a dollar everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined.

Do you know why WWII got the world out of The Great Depression? Because we got all the money back from the Jews.