How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
religion jokes
6,279 total · showing the first 120 · page 1 of 5
Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”
Three men are stranded on a deserted island when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The leader of the tribe walks up to them and says, “If each of you collects 10 fruit and brings them back, we won't eat you”. The three men run off into the forest and the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader says, “Now stuff them all up yourself without stopping or laughing, otherwise we’ll eat you”. The man tries, but he can't manage all 10, so the tribe eats him. Soon after, the second man comes back with 10 berries and is told the same thing. He gets to 9 berries, then bursts out laughing. The tribe eats him. In Heaven, he meets the first man, who exclaims, “Why did you laugh? Just one more berry and you would have been safe!” The second man says, “Well, I was almost there, then I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples!”
One day, a woman decides to spice things up with her husband, so she goes out and buys crotchless underwear. Her husband comes home and she tells him to “come and get some of this”. The husband walks in, but immediately recoils in shock. “Hell no! It bit a hole in your underwear!”
Why did the rabbi give out free circumcisions? Customers gave him good tips.
My grandmother finds it important to stay in shape, so she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
A priest and a rabbi... A priest and a rabbi see a young boy. Priest: "Let's fuck him." Rabbi: "Out of what?"
My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Some people may call me an agnostic but I'm a God-fearing man -- afraid she might exist
What's better Jesus or a picture of Jesus A picture because it only takes one nail to hang a picture.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[Creation] God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place! Angel: Maybe they'll evolve? G: *throws a rock* A: Sick shot! G: Next time, apes
i just found the HOTTEST porn video: "girl uses logic during argument". oh god, i'm gonna nut just typing thissssssfjdksfjsjfa..........
As i lay in bed at night... As i lay in bed at night and stare up at the stars, i couldn't help but wonder, "where the hell did my roof go"
The worst part of going to church with my family is when we get caught on the Kiss Cam.
It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
Jesus was nailed to the cross. He said "Peter, come forth". Peter walks up, Jesus waves his hand and he is healed. Next he says "Mary, come forth" But Mary came fifth and won a toaster.
The god of time is going back to school to upgrade. Time will take its course
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.
What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible? When Jesus cleared the temple.
If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win? Tiger Woods! because he has a better driver! I'll be in hell if you need me.
So I shot my first turkey for thanksgiving today... It scared the hell out of the people in the frozen foods section though.
"Mommy, why did Santa decide to deliver presents on Jesus' birthday." Shits about to get REALLY dishonest up in here.