gender jokes

So a white man walks into a plastic surgeon's office... [FIXED] He tells the plastic surgeon, "I want to become a black man."

I met my ex girlfriend on a treadmill We had to break up. It wasn't going anywhere.

A man walks into the doctor's office wearing nothing but cellophane (saran-wrap). Dr. says, "Clearly I can see your nuts!"

My wife always takes up two parking spaces. She ought to go on a diet.

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more. Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

Man walks into a zoo. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It's a shitzu.

*strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called "I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"

My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it.

A man walks into a restaurant...

I joke a lot about how horrible my wife and kid are, but in reality you should know that it's not funny at all and it really sucks for me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks... I didn't want to interrupt her.

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player... I want us to see other people.

I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

Wife: Are you crying in there? Me crying: NO! W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door* Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Prank Caller- Hello! is your refrigerator running?? Me- No, but the dishwasher is.. Prank Caller- Huh??? Me- Yeah my wife's out on a jog...

My girlfriend is: - super sweet - light as a feather - pink - melts in my mouth when I eat her - always at a circus - possibly cotton candy

My wife Googled "how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter" and now she won't let me stay home alone.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

My husband asked me to act like a "naughty school girl" for him so I forged a note from my mother saying I don't have to participate.

I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1. My wife thinks I'm going f*cking mental though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard for several hours at a time.

What did Buddy Fletcher, accused ponzi scheme runner and husband of reddit's CEO, say to the duck? [deleted]