gender jokes

The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house.........I got the outside.

Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact... Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.

ME: Why are you leaving? WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago ME: Manhasset been that long?

My wife bought me Dunkin Donuts k-cups for my Keurig... Now, it's like I finally have an Indian in the Cupboard.

My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm... ... she just spits it out.

My kid just randomly recited my wife's cell phone number that we had no idea he knew. Now we're getting fitted for suits and hitting Vegas.

My phone never asks me to put my husband down.

What's the difference between your wife and your job? Your job sucks

Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife is dead.

My wife has the hottest ass in the world... Me.

If you were my gf, I'd have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day Her: I'm your wife Like I said, if you were my gf

A groom raises his glass to toast his wife on their wedding day I've finally found a perfect girl i could not ask for more she's deaf and dumb and over sexed and owns a liquor store.

I always get the last word in arguments with my girlfriend. I just say "Yes ma'am"

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?" Wife (crying): Yes! Husband: Who? Wife: You! Husband Dies.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency? Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED! 911: Have u tried looking in her house? Turtle: oops never mind.

My husband doesn't find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours. Douche.

Me: "What's wrong?" Wife: "Nothing's wrong." [Sighs heavily. Rolls eyes. Clenches jaw. Bursts into flame.] Me: "I think something's wrong."

I am 38, last night i was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ... It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

My butt was set on fire while I was out with my girlfriend It was really ember-ass-ing.

If a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home.

My friend asked why his computer kept crashing. I told him, 'because they can't drive' . (Girlfriend told me this joke)

A man gets a quote tattooed on his dick. He goes home to his wife who says, "stop trying to put words in my mouth!"

Wife A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.