parenting jokes

I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said "Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet" I said "Shut up...snakes don't grow feet!!!!"

[NSFW] MY wife walked in on me fucking my daughter... I wasn't sure if she was surprised by the fact that I was fucking my daughter, or the fact that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus...

Kids from '00 won't get this... Childhood

Why don't Barbie and Ken have kids? Ken came in a different box.

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate. -My son, apparently

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

I told my son if he doesn't step it up, I'm going to start living vicariously through someone else's kid.

How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment... So I send them to school in a Justin Beiber shirt and Crocs and let the other kids beat them instead

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: You wanna go ride bikes?!

kids let me explain this in teen. your father & i have unfollowed each other. he was yoloing another woman. it's 4:20 time to smoke divorce

What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? You can't get kids to eat broccoli.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Lets go ride bikes.

Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn't paying for his college now.

I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, "I need to make your dentist appointment."

Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos? Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.

My brother just fed my 10 m.o. nephew a whole bowl guacamole before dropping him off with me. Now I've gotta change the diaper. What a dip shit.

2 little kids, Billy and Tom, are goofing around in a cannibal village. Billys mum sticks her head out and yells... "Billy, stop playing with your food!"

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes?

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.