self deprecating jokes

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds I have no shame...

Funny Lance Armstrong Joke I just heard that Lance Armstrong got his medals taken away from him for using drugs.. This is crazy because, when I do drugs.. I can't even find my bike.

I have no idea who invented ballet dancing but I'm willing to bet good money it was a guy trying to sneak back into bed after coming home pissed from a bar

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

I'm so out of shape, I can't even run away from my insecurities.

Why can't siamese twins be trusted to render fair judgments? Because they're always partial. I'm so sorry.

Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher. It was a weapon of math destruction. I'm so sorry.

Me: I'm so tired I need to sleep. Ambien: Here I'll help... Hey don't forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you're snow! Me: K

PC problem Political correctness has become so oppressive. I can't even say "Black paint" anymore, I have to say "Jamal would you please paint that fence?"

It's cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can't even dress the kids properly.

"I'm so sorry", I go around whispering to people who've just woken up from a coma.

I'm so bad at riding my unicycle It's impossible to get a handle on it...

*Listening to red hot chili peppers* Me: You call that music? I can't even hear anything! Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

I'm a dyslexic tree... My life is A-OK!

all of my friends are really happy and successful. i have no clean forks so i cut up a hot dog with my debit card

I found my first white hair on my head ... I'm gonna name him Gentrification. I'm so sorry.

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. Because I have no idea where sandwiches live...

I'm so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

[girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i'm so mad at you. HER: i'm naked come over. ME: i'm not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

The baby Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..." "Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."

I'm so torn on circumcision. I mean, you're either foreskin or against it.

I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

There should be more than one kind of handicapped parking placard. "I have no legs" and "My knees gave out at 350 lbs" aren't the same.

I'm so glad those gulls found love and happiness together. After all, one good tern deserves another.