crime jokes

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black and arrest the lightbulb for being broke.

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court? Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.

A cop stops an electron for speeding. He says "Did you know you were going 100 mph?" "Great", says the electron, "now I'm lost!"

What is the difference between a Cat fish and a lawyer? One is a shit eating bottom sucker. The other one is a fish...

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul. You should be fine, though.

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How many Police Officers does it take to handcuff one man? Nine, Eight to shoot him and one to say he was very dangerous

Police officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as confused as you are.

[break-in] BURGLAR: [cracks safe] COP: Not so fast, kiddo BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Death is coming to take a lawyer away The lawyer is weeping, "why now? I am only fourty!" Death replies, "not according to the hours you billed your clients".

This is bullshit. I surrender my keys after 8 tequila shots and this cop is all, "Ma'am, you can't walk down Main Street in your underwear."

A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony. Police are looking into it.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" 75 in a 55. I'm sorry officer. "Get out of the car." *Cop cuddles driver* "Stop doing this. I worry."

Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public. Came clean in court.

[prison] CELLMATE: what are you in for? ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

Why are Mexicans bad at UNO? They steal all the green cards.

My Cocaine Is So White Police Let It Go With A Warning

[mysterious British man rescues me] Me: How? Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

Cop joke A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.

What do you call a police officer's favorite metal? Copper

what is the difference between a crook and a politician? A crook will steal before he runs, a politician runs before he steals

A police man saw a black man beating up an old lady. Why didn't he do anything? Because he wasn't racist!