crime jokes

Did you know there are only two Lawyer jokes? The rest are all true.

Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway. Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to yield right of way.

Dear investors, I'd like to make a chap stick called "food court Chinese food." Please snapchat if interested.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun* Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery ...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man" The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those "plane clothes cops."

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am. "Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

There was a blackout in our neighborhood The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish. That the police would never find her body.

Police are on the lookout for a magician dwarf who escaped prison. They're looking for a small medium at large.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

What does a black man get after sex? 15 years - life in prison.

sometimes when i'm doing my taxes i'm like maybe prison would be easier

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true) Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is 'to die for'.

I'm a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off And that's when I realized it was a cop car

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

The toilet at a police station was stolen! They had nothing to go on..

[Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail ? "I feel like a kid again"

What is the difference between Jared Fogel before prison, and Jared now? Before prison he was paid to eat footlongs.

What did the Middle Eastern terrorist say when he was captured by the police? Oman!