money jokes

If a parsley farmer falls behind on his taxes, does the government garnish his wages?

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I'll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm too much of an environmentalist... Oh well, not many fish left in the sea

One day, some dude was all "You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig," and everybody went "That is a GREAT idea."

Thank you, student loan, for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you .

I'm gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family. Bacon Bad

What's the difference between a millennial and a mutual fund? A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich Me: ...

Every time student loan rates double, the price of solo cups should get cut in half.

Limericks eh? There once was a fellow named Blair Who was having his girl on the stair On the 44th stroke The banister broke So he finished her off in the air.

I just successfully robbed a bank! Now what to do with all this sperm...

This whole Target credit card theft is a real nightmare For this reason, I only buy stuff with credit cards I find in lost wallets.

I'm dressing up as Bernie Sanders for halloween I'm going to take the candy from the rich kids and give it all to the poor ones

Was told to fuck bitches and get money. All I got was charged with bestiality

Q: What should you do if windows crashes cost you a lot of money? A: You should bill Gates.

What do a Prostitute and a politician have in common? they both take money for lip-service.

So in 2016 I've decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

My girlfriend's keyboard broke, and she sent me this message. "HelpmyspacebarisbrokenandIwouldlikeanalternative" What the hell is a ternative?

So Ron Jeremy... ...makes his money with his penis. I've also heard that his penis is so long, he can suck it himself. Which means that Ron Jeremy can literally put his money where his mouth is.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn't that discount apply everywhere?

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today? *puts hand on sons shoulder* if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u

sometimes when i'm doing my taxes i'm like maybe prison would be easier

Hey guys, I just saved a bunch of money on my flood insurance by not having any.

No matter how loud she screams, DO NOT take IT out. protect your credit card guys :)