valentines day jokes

I got my girlfriend the perfect Valentine's Day present today. Hand lotion.

"I got you this for Valentine's Day." [she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside] "I think we should see other people."

Valentine's day Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday

What's the difference between the calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chic is you.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine's Day. When they answer "dinner", you should say "no...after that".

What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed

Valentine's Day card idea: I'm like good sushi... You can eat me raw. Happy Valentine's Day!

It's almost Valentine's day It's almost Valentine's Day and I don't even have a date, even the milk carton has a date.

Gonna get my girlfriend a pickaxe for Valentine's Day. Because she's a Minor

How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!

To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day ever since I took a girl out for heart shaped pizza and I realized it was smaller than normal pizza.

Has the passing of the holidays left you feeling alone in the world, unloved and depressed? Don't worry, Valentine's Day is coming right up!

What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.

This Valentine's Day I'm single by choice Just not my choice

Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine's Day.

VALENTINE'S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they're eating dinner.

Happy Valentine's Day!! If you don't have that perfect someone in your life, you are worthless. Die.

What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

Man gets his wife roses for Valentine's Day Wife says "I guess I have to open my legs now". Man says "Why? Don't we have a vase"?

Guess what my Valentine gave me? Carpal Tunnel...

So, there was an earthquake in Georgia. Guess your mom had a good Valentine's Day.

I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society. It's the thought that cunts.