valentines day jokes

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said "day before Valentine's Day" like I'm some genius who knows when Valentine's Day is.

Last Valentine's day I recieved so many cards from my girlfriends that I couldn't open the front door... Because my wife had the locks changed

LPT: If you're single this weekend, remember... Name your hands and you'll have an instant threesome! Happy Valentine's day!

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine's Day.

Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card

I baked my girlfriend something for Valentine's Day It was a creampie

To celebrate this Valentine's Day beat your wife... In a friendly race down to the mall.

I think the most romantic thing a woman can do for a man on Valentine's Day is to have a vagina.

I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourettes Society. It's the thought that cunts!

Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

What happened when the two lovers were watching a scary movie in a year when Valentine's day happened to fall on Friday the 13th? *Oh wait, nevermind. I'm an idiot...*

Roses are red... Valentine's Day is Crap! I don't have a girlfriend so FAP FAP FAP!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? "I'm stuck on you!"

What is Oscar Pistorius's new favourite band? Bullets For My Valentine

"Bitches ain't shit" - Saint Valentine's last words.

If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

Excuse me, do you have a valentine's card that says "You're the love of my life"? - Yes. - Great. Give me 10.

Anybody know where I can get a Game of Thrones Valentine's day card? It's for my sister.

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

I already have a date for Valentine's Day February 14th

Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

My wife is from England so I gave her a good Rogering for Valentine's Day. He just left and she seemed to enjoy it, so... score?

What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!

What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But, if roses were called "herpes" they'd make terrible Valentine's Day gifts.