accountant jokes

Did you hear about the accountant that audited the greengrocer? Sure was a turnip for the books

The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn't shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic> Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis. ME: Yep. ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: "He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."

Hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say? "Darling could you tell me about your work."

What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds no wait - 14 seconds no wait......

What's it called when a super model wants to date an accountant? Wishful thinking. Obviously

How can you tell when an accountant is extroverted? He looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order? Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.

By DAY he's just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon... "Raccountant".. Coming this fall on Fox

The church across the street opened a new Jesus-themed ferris wheel. Their accountant told me they needed it to turn a prophet.

All life is precious. Unless you're an accountant, then you welcome sweet death.

Why did the accountant go crazy? He started to hear invoices in his head.

I'm no accountant but I'm thinking if you sold your Escalade, you could probably afford a lawnmower. Maybe even some paint for the house.

Accountant: Mr Cage, you are flat broke. *flashback to applying for a loan wearing John Travolta's face* Nick Cage: I already handled it

Where does a homeless accountant live? In a tax shelter.

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you're not a psychopath.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart? Mind the GAAP.

Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant? Because he was cold and calculating.

Can anyone please post some good accountant jokes? Meeting with one tomorrow. Thanks