british jokes

The shortest Irish joke in the world. Two Irishmen walked out of a pub.

I was sitting in a pub discussing classical music and the bartender said "we've had about just enough of your stupid Bartok fella"

The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike She wasn't promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. (Mat Ewins)

When I heard they had found the cure for dyslexia.. It was like music to my arse

'Why are you crying Ted ?' asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'

Your mum's so fat she uses Yosemite National Park as a back-scratcher, the Eiffel Tower as an ear pick and water slides as straws.

When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

I told my mum I was goingto make a car out of spaghetti She was really surprised when I drove pasta

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas? Ince pies!

Huge shout out to the woman that message me first... Love you, Mum!

Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet ? Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes !

They're coming for me They're banging on my doors. I haven't eaten an apple in months. They're forcing their way in in. The doctors are here. Tell mum I love her.

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse." I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend... wiped his arse

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date] "I didn't know birds could climb trees"

So I walked in to a brothel.. And shortly after entering I began assaulting everyone in the queue...then...umm...shit nevermind, I just punched up the fuckline.

What do you call an Indian bloke in a submarine? Mandeep.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

What did the Irishman text his Wife? "Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the f*cking pub.

A horse walks into a pub and the bartender says, "hey we've got a drink named after you". The horse responded, "what, Eric, really"?

Critics of Islam are advocating the use of pages of the Quran as toilet paper which brings into question ones own wisdom for whipping ones arse with bullshit.

Marmalade Q. What's the difference between jam and marmalade? A. You can't marmalade your cock in someone's arse

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse? Warren