british jokes

"Daddy, where do babies come from?" Show him Edna.. [mum stops slicing carrots] *starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

mum just asked me why i was putting icecream on my oatmeal and w/o hesitation i said "im one of the most dangerous minds of my generation"

Why did the Mexican lorry driver lose his job? He ate his tacho.

Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue For the devil can take many forms

Why did she get entry to the pub without paying a single penny? Cause she being she, wasn't even worth a penny. [](/hehheh)

A special joke for Mothers Day What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mum cant take a joke.

Walked out the pub the other night and seen a bloke at the end of the road with a broken down car. I said "what's the matter mate?" he said "piston broke" I said "so am I!" and stumbled home.

Rude joke I was taken the dog for a walk in the graveyard and seen a bloke bent down behind a tombstone, so respectfully I said "morning" He replied "no, taking a shit"

What do you call a guy with 15 rabbits up his arse? Warren.

London Joke Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction? Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless. "Where are you?" she moaned. "I'm at the pub." I replied. She said, "I think the baby's coming!" I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."

My mum doesn't work in IT. So I don't get why she looks at me and keeps repeating "I wish there was an undo button."

"A father says to his son," "It's going to be tough in this recession." The son says "Tell me something I don't know." The father says "Your mum's ass can take my whole fist."

What do you call a fat cow..? Your mum

A termite walks into a pub and asks... ...is the bar tender here?

I went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Me: Mum was I adopted? Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Are you a mum? I am not a dad! Maybe you could help me with that!

Do you want to see the birthmark on my arse? It looks like a colon!

Saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah I thought, He's trying to pull a fast one

I had an idea for a British ST:TNG spinoff It's called queue.

A guy is talking to his friend about his new girlfriend "I did her up the arse on the first date" the guy reveals proudly. "no shit?" His friend replies. "nah, she had an enema beforehand"

Your mother is so fat... ...even whilst fucking her it feels like a long-distance relationship.