Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin says, "wow, it's really getting hot in here." The second muffin says, "Wow... a talking muffin ! "
dialogue jokes
32,416 total · showing the first 120 · page 5 of 5
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread yesterday.. Then I realised it said "thick cut"!
When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."
A hamburger walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here".
sorry ladies, just changed my Facebook relationship status from "Single" to "Costco Member"
What did Stevie Wonder say when he found out he was blind...? "At least I'm not black"
Mark Ruffalo Went into a Job Interview The interviewer asked "What's your strong suit?" "Oh, you know, the Hulk costume."
Guys are all, "Wanna go to my bachelor party?" because asking, "Wanna hang out in a room and get boners together?" would be gross.
"Mommy, why did Santa decide to deliver presents on Jesus' birthday." Shits about to get REALLY dishonest up in here.
"Moo." - hipster sheep
"Guys I gotta hang up I have a trout on the other line"
My new Girlfriend told me "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship" I still wish she didn't have one.
My company put me up in the cheapest hotel... I called down to the front desk and said "I've got a leak in my sink." They said "Go ahead."
What does a stripper and a Subway sandwich maker have in common? They both prefer to be called "artists" instead of what they really are.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son "in front of the world." Stand your ground, kid. There's no way he has that technology.
*drops off box to Salvation Army* "Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?" *peels out*
The movie "Noah" comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.
Anyone notice the irony behind "hyphenated" and "non-hyphenated"?
A senior partner with a herniated disc limps into a conference room Coworker 1: "I feel like the world's moving in slow motion" (pause) Coworker 1: "Oh wait, it's just Charlie" (motions at partner)
"I'm going to the post office. I need a place stamp" Wtf is that? "I dunno but this envelope says I need one here"
whenever white girls are fighting and one of them calls the other "hun" during the argument world war 3 begins
I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas & all she said was "a race war" (??)
One day my kids will find a "We're Closed" sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I'll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.
Date - "so...are you going to be doing that for the whole date?" [i can't hear her over my tuba]