dialogue jokes

If the automated voice tells me they're experiencing "higher than normal call volume" every time I call, that is the normal call volume.

My wife says I'm too nosy. At least that's what she said in her diary.

I caught my SO putting plastic utensils in the waffle iron. I yelled,"What are you doing?! That will ruin it!" She replies,"Yesterday you told me to lego your eggos. Make up your mind already!"

A math teacher had a bird, and he trained it to talk. One day it escaped, and he yelled out the window, "Polly gone! Polly gone!"

Jesus was nailed to the cross. He said "Peter, come forth". Peter walks up, Jesus waves his hand and he is healed. Next he says "Mary, come forth" But Mary came fifth and won a toaster.

"Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says "What's up, Doc?" he's legitimately concerned.

TIL Socrates' last words. "I drank WHAT?!"

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying "poop deck" & snickering.

i bet all the girls say "i bet you say that to all the girls" to all the guys.

How does Hitler give directions? He says "take the Third Reich".

Modern Medical Humor Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness"

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3"

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer". I said "But baby, I can change". She said "There you go again!"

You say I'm "Dirty minded" but then how did you understand what I meant?

Gunfire reported at track and field event They said it was race related

She was only a fishmonger's daughter .. .. but she'd slap it on a slab and shout "Fillet!"

"I'm caught in a love hexagon." - polygamists

At The Nikon Headquarters We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses "A focus group?" DAMMIT JOHNSON THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES

When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, "O MG!"

Just realized I've never "axed" anyone a question in my whole life.

What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? "Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P

A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river? The other man responds, "You are on the other side of the river."

Whenever somebody says "it removes the toxins from your body" I know that they are dumber than me