story jokes

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've tripping all day.

I went to a weiner emporium today... I never sausage a sight!

I accidentally sent a photo of my penis to everyone in my address book. Not only was it really embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

My girlfriend refused to make a porno with me.. saying there are enough vine stars already

Fast and Furious [NSFW] I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident. I guess next time I should be the one driving.

Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken... I'll see myself out now..

You're so unfamiliar with the gym... You call it James

It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 17 other ways to get that info in seconds.

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies. For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

A bird in hand may be worth two in a bush, but a nut in a bush is worth two in a hand.

Isn't it so wierd when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear? Anyway my dad just caught me browsing r/jokes

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

I just paid $25 for a hot 20 year old chick to rub her boobs all over me I love having my hair cut.

You know what i hate the most about Sex Ed? that he's been convicted of several cases of sexual assault

I was looking for hours for my thread on Reddit.. Turns out I was browsing with the popular filter :(

Mt. McKinley will be renamed Denali and for balance GMC will now call its SUVs McKinleys.

I heard a rude joke about Grizzlies the other day... ...but it doesn't bear repeating.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

My girlfriend has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh When I put my ear up to it I can smell the ocean

THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he always narrates real life- ME: she complained WIFE: see! ME: she exclaimed WIFE: ME: she was speechless

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for... Billy Joel's 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

And the award for the best neckwear goes to... Well, will you look at that, it's a tie!