chef jokes

"Can you cook dinner tonight?" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light

Dear microwave companies, Why make us select "cook" at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something? Sincerely, Everyone

Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don't question it.

How do you say thank you to a New York sushi chef? Gracias.

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking...... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

REV. SHARPTON Calling Al Sharpton a reverend is like calling Jeffrey Dahmer a chef

Guess What My Friend Said Once They Discovered The Existence of Gravitational Waves? Friend: Good, now they will make microwaves that cook my chicken fingers faster. Say what now?

I cook with wine sometimes I even add it to the food.

I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.

Someone please invent a service to grocery shop for you but also cook it into a meal and also the meal is pizza oh it's pizza delivery

A chef was worriEd that he would mess up dessert... Turned out to be a piece of cake!

Tim Cook: "We're excited to annou-" #Apple fans: "We'll buy it." Tim Cook: "Let me fini-" Apple fans: "We'll buy that too." #iPhone6

Did you hear about the cook who stole parsley from his restaurant? They had to [garnish](http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/garnish) his wages.

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

What's a nymphomaniac cook's least favourite ingredient? Italian dressing

How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish

How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave? I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

Her: You don't have to cook me dinner, we can just go out. Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it's fine I don't mind..

Why did the cook go to jail? For beating the eggs and whipping the cream!

Dear diary, My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him. Apparently Meth wasn't what he expected. Dating is bull shit

Rape isn't funny.. Especially if you're being raped by Dane Cook. Than its totally not funny.

Hey grocery store cashiers that try to guess what we're going to cook- Shut up.

What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship? The khrushchev