none jokes

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

Dad: “Call me George.”