A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... "Ugh, some asshole has my pen", she thought.
nurse jokes
210 total · showing the first 120 · page 2 of 5
[first day as a midwife] ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head! NURSE: You're at the wrong end.
Invisible Man A nurse says, "Doctor, the invisible man is here for his three o'clock." The doctor says, "Well, tell him I can't see him."
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?' I was like, 'Thanks, but I already picked a name.
A man walks into a schizophrenia hospital He says "there's a lot of people in here" To which a nurse replies "get here you!"
[signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"
Birth Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the fucking moon!!..:)
Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient's torso* NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement! SURGEON: there's a Pokemon in there
Blonde joke "Nurse, could you please take Mr. Oliver's pulse?" "Why? Doesn't he have one of his own?"
John Cena woke up in the hospital John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on. The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?" She responded "ICU" He said "No you don't."
How can you tell who's the head nurse at a hospital? It's the one who has knee pads on.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that's one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket. 'Oh great, some arsehole's got my pen.'
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket.. And says "Some asshole's got my pen!"
No YOU hug her first .... NO YOU hug her first .... F-that ! YOU hug her FIRST ! .... -Lineup congratulating the Next Ebola free nurse
A Nurse talks to her young Patient Kid: Thanks for helping me get through these tough times, will you come and see me when I get out? Nurse: I'd love to, but I am scared of visiting graveyards
WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
A nurse pulls out a thermometer out of her pocket and says: Shit.....some asshole has got my pen!
Now I know why they call her "head nurse" It's because she is in charge of the other nurses...not what I was hoping for.
Women say they like a man in uniform but I've been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet :(
Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week? Patient: No I'm sick now.
"Sir, you have to stop masturbating" The nurse said. "But why?" The man asked "Because I can't examine you while you're moving."
A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy... "What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."