nurse jokes

Me: "Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?" Nurse: "Sir, you're just here for a blood pressure reading..." *pulls pants back up*

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. and thinks "Some asshole has my pen".

Jack went to see the camp nurse. 'I fell last night' he said. 'And I was unconscious for eight hours.' The nurse was shocked. 'How awful. What happened?' 'I fell asleep!'

Ppl at Starbucks are weird. They love it when I bring our chihuahua in a little baby stroller, but get all freaked out when I let him nurse.

Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..., Thinks to herself. "Well, some asshole's got my pen." Another you say? What's the difference between rectal and oral thermometers. Taste.

What did the cancer patient say to the nurse? [NSFW] [EDIT] I forgot the joke. Fuck.

John Cena wakes up in the hospital Cena : Where am I? Nurse : I.C.U Cena : No you can't

Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?" I don't know, I wasn't counting. Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

My mates keep calling me gay. I proved them wrong. My mates keep calling me gay, so to prove them wrong and went out and fucked this sexy nurse. He definitely wasn't gay.

After my doctor performed my prostate exam he left the room... Soon my nurse walked in and with a puzzled look asked, "Who was that?"

A nurse puts her hand in her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... "Oh no! Some ass hole has my pen"

A nurse takes a rectal thermometer from her jacket pocket "Great. Some arsehole's got my pen"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off. I asked, "Why?" She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Hitting on the nurse If you hit on the nurse that does your colonoscopy, and she says no to anal, you can say "youve been up MY bum!"

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.

I had my prostate examined the other day. After it was all over, the doctor left at the same time the nurse came in, and whispered the three words no one wants to hear. Who was that?

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

What did the starving, homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic? Fetus please.

Nursing Problems As a Nurse, its my job to have patients - Oh the irony in how the 'patients' have absolutely no patience for me. My job is to save your ass..(colonoscopy etc.) Not Kiss It. :D

*emergency room* NURSE: "we're losing him!" DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: "IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN"

What did the Nurse say when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket? " Some arsehole's got my pen."

My girlfriend and I like to roleplay She pretends to be a nurse while I pretend she exists.