therapist jokes

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

I think, therefore I am. I shrink, therefore I swam.

A man told his friend: "After 12 years of... ...therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'"

How do you become a hobbit? Eat, shrink and be Merry!

Its funny how chocolate can make your clothes shrink

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack Therapist: How do you feel now? Me: With my elbows

What did the psychiatrist say to the crazy naked guy wrapped in cellophane? Clearly, I can see your nuts.

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea

This afternoon I just relaxed on the couch and masturbated. The psychiatrist took a lot of notes.

I stopped going to my colorblind therapist. He could never tell when I was blue.

The invisible man and the shrink The receptionist tells the psychiatrist that there's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible. The Psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you "scare easily" and are "quite disagreeable". ME: *from behind the couch* That's not true.

A man wrapped in only saran wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office... ...the psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband doctor " she said. "He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "

Did you hear about the woman who used a fake name and married a renown psychologist? She committed Frued. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

My therapist told me.. My therapist told me that I have a fear of confrontation. I didn't agree with her but I held my tongue in case it caused an argument.

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.

I went to a child psychologist once. He was rubbish. He was only seven.

A man goes to a psychiatrist... ...and he's holding a duck by the belly. The psychiatrist asks, "Can I help you?" The guy responds, "Idunno. I've just been feeling down."

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office covered head to toe in cellophane. The psychiatrist says, "Sir, I can clearly see you're nuts."

ME: ppl call dogs "doggo" now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else? ME: no

I'm incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management. I've never even held an entry-level position.

wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"