therapist jokes

A guy walks into the psychiatrists office where I work wearing nothing but Saran Wrap undies... The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry

A patient comes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." "Well, you'd better go to psychiatrist. Because I'm a dentist." "Yeah, but you had the light on."

A man goes to the doctors... and says "I think I'm a moth" The Doctor says, "I think you need to see a psychiatrist about that". The man says, "Yeah I was on my way but I saw your light was on".

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn't see them...he said when does this happen...I said over the phone

Why did no one believe the Psychologist ever went to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent

Therapist: So what's the problem? Wife: He thinks he's a flamingo. Me: That's it! I'm putting my foot down. *lowers foot that was raised*

apparently my psychiatrist doesn't appreciate that i call her my new drug dealer

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show THERAPIST: Is this true? ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break

I thought reverse psychology was when.. you made your therapist cry

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage? Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns. Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Cat with mental disorder The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder. She now have 45 lives.

I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank. Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist

I'm trying to choose a Freudian therapist... ...but they're all sex of one, half a dozen of your mother.

My therapist told me that I'm bad at admitting my flaws. I am not!

Peanut Butter A man walks into a psychiatrist's office masturbating with a jar of peanut butter. He asks the doctor, "Well, whaddya think?". The doctor replied, "I think you're fucking nuts."

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart.

Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries. Me: *goes home* *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box* *eats 12 donuts*

My therapist raped me. Who can I talk to about that?

[couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel? Because they are both surrounded by nuts.