dialogue jokes

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."

"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."

"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."

"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."

"They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline."

A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it. The bartender says, “Where did you find that?” “There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies. The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!” All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky. Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!” The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said, “Yes, the others were all eights and nines”.

My wife asked me if I’d like to spoon in bed. I said that I prefer to fork.

"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"

A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

A dyslexic guy walks into a bar... And the woman says, "Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?!"

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. "That won't help you, Joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot," says the man, "it's the only way I can see the numbers!"

I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called "Don't Speak"? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind.

A robot walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender asks. "I need something to loosen up," the robot replies. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.

"Make cave drawing. It last longer." - Cavewoman bitch

What's your best "A guy walks into a bar" joke

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said "If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"

What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out? "Time to try the udder one."