dialogue jokes

"Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

"Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you" Yeah....so is a grenade

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] "ok"

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say "yeah, she left me for Charles Manson."

World Health Org says that Roundup weedkiller "probably" causes cancer... Monsanto needs to make a Roundup Ready human.

"You're mother." (thing to say to your mother).

Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

A priest and a rabbi... A priest and a rabbi see a young boy. Priest: "Let's fuck him." Rabbi: "Out of what?"

"Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?" *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* "Ah nuts that was a good one."

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says "keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."

My buddy's autistic twin brother has a seizure while on a camping trip, causing my buddy to miss his first day on the job at Dominoes. "Tell the manager your brother had a Little Caesar"

My friend once talked me out of jumping off a building with my new homemade glider wings. He said I didnt understand the gravity of the situation.

I had a fight once. "You should see the other guy!" I said. My wife agreed. She's been seeing him for years now, they're a lovely couple.

i just found the HOTTEST porn video: "girl uses logic during argument". oh god, i'm gonna nut just typing thissssssfjdksfjsjfa..........

People who say "life doesn't come with a set of instructions" obviously haven't heard of the Kama Sutra.

What does a girl from Arkansas say just before she loses her virginity? "Careful, dad, or you'll crush my smokes."

Would you like something from my Easter basket? "Sure!" "Here. Have some plastic grass."

Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said "bc time killed the dinosaurs." My kids are never leaving home are they

As i lay in bed at night... As i lay in bed at night and stare up at the stars, i couldn't help but wonder, "where the hell did my roof go"

What did the guy say when he finally earned the top spot on the High Scores list at the Masturbate Arcade? "I BEAT IT!!!"

What was the last thing Daedalus said to Icarus? "You've got a lot of potential, son."

"That's Superman, that's Batman, and that's Cyborg. If you won't call them by their names, I can't play with you anymore." - me to my 5yo.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah's Witnesses doors. "I'd like to talk to you about modern science "