list joke jokes

Things I've learned on Twitter: 1. A Twitter Crush is not a soft drink 2. Naps rule 3. Pants are optional 4. Everybody hates Nickelback

Sleeping Beauty taught me that: 1. I'm not the laziest girl in the land 2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on Facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.

Top 3 questions asked by my parents: 3) How's the business? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

Schroedinger's theory of attraction 1. Be attractive 2. Don't be attractive

The future The world in 10 years... MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100... Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?

#ThoughtsInMyHead 1. How much wine can a cat drink? 2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat? 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?

How to calm a crying baby: 1. Pick it up. 2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

My top 5 (in no particular order) 1. 3 2. 5 3. 2 4. 4 5. 1

How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

Shit old people Google: 1. Dubstep 2. Skrillrex 3. Hashtag 4. DTF 5. Steampunk 6. Pinterest 7. Linsanity 8. Scarlett Johansson naked

There are two rules for success: 1. never tell everything you know.

Ways to make your woman happy. 1. Cook for her. 2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses. 3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

ladies, please don't call me your 'brother' 1. we did not come out of the same vagina 2. odds are i'm trying to get into yours

1. Read directions on box. 2. Throw box away. 3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later. 4. Repeat.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear 1. exploding glove 2. ham sandwich 3. flaming fireplace 4. Dead bird helmet 6. shark eggs

My favorite Jobs: 1. Blow 2. Steve

Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to 1. Who turned the ceiling fan on 2. Why don't I have telekinetic powers

Signs a Woman Likes You: 1. Eye contact 2. Twirls her hair 3. Laughs at your jokes 4. Follows you 5. Keys your car 6. Kills you

1. Bang knee on table - curse life. 2. Check credit card balance. 3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.

Women's Magazines: Pg 1. You're beautiful and perfect just the way you are Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Instructions: 1. Watch every breath someone takes 2. Watch every move someone makes 3. Watch every bond someone breaks 4. Log off Facebook

Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors. #7 won't shock you.