new year jokes

I'm so sick of this new year's jokes I've been hearing them all year.

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) ...vegetables.

My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs. Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?

I had no idea time zones were so far apart...Just landed in China and it's fucking New Year apparently.

Nobody showed up for my Time Traveler-themed New Year's party I guess I shouldn't bother with sending the invitations next week after all.

I never make New Year's resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add "This time I'm serious"

New Year New Joke Friend: Where do you see yourself in 4 years? Me: I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

My New Years resolution is 1080p.

My new years resolution........ Hopefully 4k 55''

My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

I asked a nerd what his New Year's resolution was. He said, "1920x1080".

My New Years resolution would have been to stop procrastinating so much Except I never got around to writing that one down...

I'm gonna have sex on new year's day... To start the new year with a bang.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions.

My new years resolution for 2017 1920x1080

Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's. Thanks pumpkin!

Shame that UFOs coincidentally stopped visiting just at the moment when high-resolution digital cameras became ubiquitous.

My 2015 new years resolution 1920x1080

HAPPY NEW YEAR letter to mods AAEEHNPPRWYY

My new year's resolution is... ...running at 1680 x 1050

Pluto wanted to throw Earth a birthday party on New Year's Eve But he forgot to planet