valentines day jokes

What's the difference between radical feminists and a Valentine's Day mascot's tricks? One's Cupid stunts...

1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say "My wife is out of town, I miss you". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day.

Don't be sad if you don't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day Most people don't have AIDS on World AIDS day either.

For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates... ...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.

Roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do?

Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.

Guys, for Valentine's Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say "Will", "you", and "me." That'll keep her busy while you watch sports.

Cute valentine joke - What's the difference between woman's face and ass? - None. You can fuck both.

So I've decided that my wifi will be my valentine. Idk, we just have this connection.

Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.

GF's friend didn't keep my Valentine's gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Life is like a box of chocolates. They're cheaper the day after Valentine's Day.

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything... Because you're at an all-time low. (Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

Not having a date on Valentine's Day doesn't really worry me... It's those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Valentine's Day is nothing but a commercialized holiday created by pharmaceutical companies to get lonely singles to buy antidepressants.

What does an illustrator say to his girlfriend on Valentine ? I'm font of you.

Single? Give your sexual partner a Valentine's Day treat by having a manicure.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan's Valentine.

St. Valentine's day Two blondes chat: "What you gonna do on St. Valentine's day?" "What day is it?" "Friday." "Shepherd's Pie."

Girl's idea of Valentine's Day. (???(?.? )? Guy's idea of Valentine's Day ( o )( o?(^?^?)

If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with "What did you do?".

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine's Day I can't wait until Presidents' Day.

"Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day