Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
none jokes
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They kill people.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""
When does a joke become a dad joke?
"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Option 1: Let’s eat grandma.
Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.
There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.
Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”
Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B-shells!
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."
"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."
"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"