A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"
witty jokes
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What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother
Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth? I hear it was pretty dope.
You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool!
A dyslexic guy walks into a bar... And the woman says, "Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?!"
Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.
here's my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you're welcome
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. "That won't help you, Joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot," says the man, "it's the only way I can see the numbers!"
Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila! ... go to the home improvement store in December? Fajitas!
I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called "Don't Speak"? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven't said a word since.
A robot walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender asks. "I need something to loosen up," the robot replies. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.
I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun
How are children like slinkies? It's fun to toss them down stairs.
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today... I told them its the last thing I need.
If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach.... Then you're aiming too high
How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they could not understand.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly? *Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
What do you call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids. Yep. An original.
*Running late *Light turns green but car in front wont go *About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco *Is late for work
I have a great knock-knock joke But someone else has to start. Go