A man walks into a pub and sits down next to an old man, who looks pretty sad. He asks him what’s wrong. The old man replies: “See this pub? I crafted these bricks in my own kiln, laid the foundations and built the whole thing myself! But do they call me Alan the Bricklayer? No!” He points out of the window. “See that fence? I chopped down the trees, hammered the nails and put the whole thing together. But do they call me Alan the Fence Builder? No!” Then he says, “See that beer you’re drinking? I brewed it myself, using my own special recipe that has been handed down through my family for generations. But do they call me Alan the Beer Brewer? No!” He slammed his fist on the bar and sighed. “But you make love to a sheep one time...”
witty jokes
148,411 total · showing the first 120 · page 4 of 5
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said, “Yes, the others were all eights and nines”.
What do two female vampires say to each other after a date? See you next month.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What gets longer when pulled, slides over your chest, and is easily inserted? A seatbelt.
Timmy comes to school late. When the teacher asks why, he tells her, “I had to take a cow down from the barn and get her bred”. Then the teacher asks, “Couldn’t your father do it?” Timmy replies, “Sure, but not as good as the bull”.
One day, a woman decides to spice things up with her husband, so she goes out and buys crotchless underwear. Her husband comes home and she tells him to “come and get some of this”. The husband walks in, but immediately recoils in shock. “Hell no! It bit a hole in your underwear!”
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a vein in your hotdog.
My wife asked me if I’d like to spoon in bed. I said that I prefer to fork.
How does a bald man touch his hair? He cuts holes in his pockets.
Why did the rabbi give out free circumcisions? Customers gave him good tips.
"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."
What do a rocket and toilet paper have in common? They’re both headed for Uranus.
I’m a bad lover. I once caught a Peeping Tom booing me! (Rodney Dangerfield)
Today, I snapped my g-string. I’m going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.
What’s the difference between your job and your partner? After five years, your job still sucks.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.