american jokes

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

"I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."

"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"

"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."