british jokes

My mum told my girlfriend that I'm a big softy. She said, "No he isn't, he's not even big when he's erect."

Mother-in-laws Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says "My mother-in-law is a saint," To which the other man replies "You're so fucking lucky! Mine's still alive,"

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's arse? A mechanic.

Mother: Jared get your little sister's hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can't mum she's got it strapped too tight under her chin!

My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second. I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute.

I made a joke: What is a fruit bun's favourite subject in a Pub Quiz? What is a fruit bun's favourite subject in a Pub Quiz? Currant affairs.

The bloke who invented the time machine has died. RIP Dave Jones. 1974 1746.

Your mum is so fat that when she entered an ugly contest they said, "sorry mam, but no professionals."

News, just in: Truck Stolen! A lorry containing 150 pallets of Viagra was stolen last night. Police are searching the country for a gang of hardened criminals.

Teacher: You're here to learn. Me: No bitch, I'm here because my mum wouldn't let me stay home.

Mum is it true my baby sister came from Heaven? Yes that's right. Well I don't blame God for chucking her out.

I went to the doctor with a hearing problem He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

Why has sodomy been banned in French bakeries? Because it was a pain in the arse for the customers.

After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee. And begged her to take it up the arse.

Scientists had already discovered a ninth planet 5000 times the size of Pluto years ago Your Mum

A man walk into a doctors room with a frog hanging out of his ear. "What on Earth happened?" The doctor said, surprised. "I don't know, it started with a boil on my arse." the frog said.

My mum told this hilarious joke whilst we were taking groceries into the flat "Take multiple trips"

You know what people really do when no one's looking? Your mum.

My friend's mum has a saying "40 is the new 30". Lovely woman. Banned from driving though.

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a car windscreen? Its arse.

Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem is overused, just like your mum.

What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven ? The Y2K deadline !

I was chatting up this woman. I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum." "Aww," she smiled, "Can you?" I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."

Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? No the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.