Doctor and Lady Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised? Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 "males" a day.
doctor jokes
2,252 total · showing the first 120 · page 5 of 5
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds! Me: So that's like, what, three dollars?
What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal? A doctor.
My doctor told me during my physical that I needed to stop masturbating When i asked him why, he said "because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
How do you break concrete in Doctor Who? With a Captain Jackhammer.
Coming soon to NBC: She's a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn't play by the rules. And he's a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I went to the doctor last week for a bad headache When he reached for his pen to write my prescription, he pulled out a rectal thermometer. "Shit", he said, "Some asshole has my pen."
Why did a physician go to prison? His medical license was doctored.
I went to the doctor to get tested for ADHD... he said I've got it so bad, I have AD Blu-Ray
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.
No plastic surgeon will help me! I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.
Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you. Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon? [from my stomach] I'm right here
My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.
My doctor sang this to me at my birthday "Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"
My pregnant wife said her doctor told her no more sex until the baby is born I asked, "What did your dentist say?"
At last, I finally got around to watching the new episode of "Doctor Who" ... ... it was about time.
How can you tell who the head doctor is? They're the one with the dirtiest knees
So I asked my Doctor, "Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa?" He said, "I don't know, he has two more years in office."
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.
For a week I've been telling my kid "If your cough isn't better tomorrow, you're going to the doctor!" and it finally worked. (She died.)
When Michael Jackson's son was born, he asked the doctor, "How soon can we have sex?" The doctor replied, "At least wait till he's 13."
Remember when Twitter used to be a service where I could post something like, "Hello, my name is Doctor Toilet" and get a bunch of retweets?
I threw some pills at my doctor I thought it would be a good idea to give him a taste of his own medicine
Doctor doctor I'm manic-depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm