witty jokes

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."

"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."

"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."

"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"

"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."

"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."

Three men are stranded on a deserted island when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The leader of the tribe walks up to them and says, “If each of you collects 10 fruit and brings them back, we won't eat you”. The three men run off into the forest and the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader says, “Now stuff them all up yourself without stopping or laughing, otherwise we’ll eat you”. The man tries, but he can't manage all 10, so the tribe eats him. Soon after, the second man comes back with 10 berries and is told the same thing. He gets to 9 berries, then bursts out laughing. The tribe eats him. In Heaven, he meets the first man, who exclaims, “Why did you laugh? Just one more berry and you would have been safe!” The second man says, “Well, I was almost there, then I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples!”

A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it. The bartender says, “Where did you find that?” “There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies. The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!” All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky. Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!” The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic. There was a sign on the door that said: “For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance”.

What was the problem with the origami adult channel? It was paper view only.

A girl asks her mother for a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll for Christmas. “But Barbie comes with Ken,” her mother said. “No,” the girl replied, “she just fakes it with Ken”.

An elephant walks up to a man on a nudist beach. It asks him, “How do you breathe through that thing?”

A gynecologist wants a career change, so she enrols in classes to become a mechanic. She’s nervous for the final exam, but studies hard and hopes for the best. When she sees the final grade, she freaks out because it’s 150% and goes to see the instructor. The instructor explains: “You took the entire engine apart, every nut and bolt, without breaking it. That got you 50%. Then you put it all back together perfectly and it ran better than before you’d started. So that got you another 50%”. “But what about the extra 50%?” Asks the woman. “Oh,“ says the instructor. “You got a bonus for doing it all through the muffler”.

A walrus takes his car to the mechanic. The mechanic needs an hour to work out what the problem is, so he tells the walrus to go somewhere and come back later. The walrus decides to head into the nearest ice cream parlor and get a dessert. But he struggles to eat without hands and get ice cream all down himself. After an hour, the walrus heads back to the mechanic’s shop to find out what’s wrong with his car. As soon as he walks in, the mechanic says, “It looks like you’ve just blown a seal”. The walrus replies, “No, it’s just ice cream”.

A man walks into a laundromat and goes up to the guy working behind the counter. He takes the items out of his bag and says: “I need to have these clothes cleaned”. The guy doesn't hear him and says, “Come again?” The man shakes his head and says, “Mustard this time!”

Johnny was sitting in math class one day when his teacher called on him to answer a question. She asked, “If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you fired a gun at one of them, how many would be left?” “None,” Johnny replied, “because the others would all fly away”. “The answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like your way of thinking”. “Now I have a question for you,” said Johnny. “Three women are sitting in an ice cream parlor. One is looking at her ice cream, one is biting hers, and the third is licking it. Which one is married?” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the third one”. “It’s the one wearing the wedding ring,” Johnny replies, “but I like your way of thinking!”

"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."

Two men stole an entire stock of viagra from a pharmacy. The police are now on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

A couple is down on their luck, so the husband volunteers to work the street corner for some extra cash. The next night, he comes home with $100.50, and his wife asks, “Which cheap person gave you 50 cents?” The husband replies, “All of them did!”

My neighbour thinks it’s fine to sunbathe nude in the garden. Her husband disagrees. Personally, I’m still on the fence.

Three nuns were sitting on a bench, minding their own business. All of a sudden, a man ran past them completely naked. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun also had a stroke. The third nun almost had a stroke, too, but she couldn’t quite reach.

A family of models are burrowing underground when Papa Mole sticks his head above ground and sniffs. “I can smell pancakes!” Mama Mole sticks her head up next and sniffs. “I can smell cookies!” Baby Mole, who is still underground, sniffs next and says, “I can smell molasses!”

A doctor decided to use the skin left over from circumcisions to start a new business selling briefcases. One day, a man comes up to him and asks why his briefcases cost twice as much as the store down the street. The doctor replies: “Because when you rub them, they turn into suitcases!”